Lullaby to an anxious child[1]

If I feel out of place for too long

I think of my mother

She’s far far away

I always have this sense of relief when she travels

But as weeks pass

Her absence becomes a hole

The hole’s getting bigger and bigger

But when she returns

I realize the hole’s not matching her shape

Only one person has ever matched the shape

But we drifted apart

I know they’ll never be back

And if they were

They’re someone else now

Someone that cannot be trusted

I feel my youth passed

People will come and go

Leaving all kinds of holes

But I ceased to believe anyone can fill the hole

The big hole my mother left when she cut her maternity leave short

Leaving me with my father

Scum[2]

I am once again haunted by the unspeakable

Thinking about the unspeakable

Writing about the unspeakable

How can you leave a baby in the hands of an evil spirit?

The image of bob imitates the image of my father

The image of laura imitates my image

The image of twin peaks imitates my small town

The grown child feeling a weird tension around his father

Feeling fear

Feeling like the evil spirit wants to possess the child

Is it natural?

Is it natural?

What is unnatural?

I have father issues

You do too

If you consider me and my poetry laughingstock

Fuck off

If you consider my vulnerability laughingstock

Fuck off

All I do is win[3]

I want to spit on your grave

I want to stomp my feet on your grave

If one day you visit my father’s grave

And you find the word ABUSER

Splattered with red spray paint

Know that it was me

His youngest son

His most vulnerable son

I am a hetero demon

I am a lesbian man[4]

I am all of his fears combined

I am ghastly

I haunt him in death

We haunt each other

But if this is a competition

Honey I’m winning

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[1] Lullaby to an anxious child e titlul unui cântec. Mie îmi place cel mai mult un cover la chitară de Dominic Miller. Îl ascultam obsesiv în liceu ca să mă liniștesc.

[2] Scum e titlul unui cântec de la Depeche Mode de pe albumul Spirit. Abuzul te duce în starea descrisă de cântec.

[3] E titlul unui cântec de DJ Khaled.

[4] Aceste versuri fac parte din scenariul filmului Blue de Derek Jarman.